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im married
Monday. 10.5.15 5:48 pm

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the art of forgiveness
Monday. 6.29.15 5:17 am
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Wise words from a pal
Saturday. 3.7.15 6:06 pm
Remember the good times.

Cherish them.

They can never be again.

You are not that person anymore.

And neither is she.

No matter how bad you want it to be.

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life is good
Tuesday. 3.3.15 7:11 pm
i'm trying to find my resolve. i'm still obviously bummed that my girl left me. i find myself gazing off into the distance throughout my days, thinking of eating ice cream in brooklyn or holding her hand in portugal. i hate both of those places now, btw.

anyway, i'm okay. life is good. as heartbroken as i am right now, i know that this is all God's plan. I'd like to hold onto hope that she'll talk to me again one day, but I really don't know. A part of me is pissed because I wasn't the one who cheated, and I wasn't the one who called us off, but I'm the one who gets punished by her refusing to speak with me or be my friend. It really isn't fair... maybe talking to me is painful for her, but I'm not really sure why since I ain't do shit..

If I could go back in time, back to when she first came through to London and I met her at a starbucks by my office, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I met her. I'm glad she came. I'm glad she kissed me, I'm glad I kissed her back. I'm glad that for a brief period of time, she was the last thing I saw at night and the first thing I saw in the morning. I'm glad I loved her.

Not too keen on losing her, though.. but I suppose that's just the game of love.

I'm following all the cliches men have for moving on. I'm at the gym, sometimes twice a day, and I'm throwing myself into my work. I'm dating other women - had a great one last week with a girl who is absolutely perfect for me in everyway but timing, and I've got one on Friday with a girl who I asked out because I really want to just get my mind off of Antonia. I've reached out to a few friends to hang out, too.. had dinner with a group of pals today, and I'm seeing a few more on Thursday and Saturday..

I'm also reaching out to old friends and flames. I told C about the shit Q said to me.. about how my relationship with her and Antonia were really, reallly similar, and how my breakup with C mirrored my breakup with A.. he said that the issue was me and the fact that I'm drawn toward women who are a little, or a lot, broken inside.

I think he's right. I think back to some of our last conversations and I hear myself telling her that all I want to do is love her if she'd let me.. and that she is good enough for me and that she shouldn't doubt us.. and all sorts of shit...

C agreed with Q. She said that I look for girls who are in pain or are broken and try to fix them with love but that it doesn't really work that way...

but oh well.

I've learned a lot the last two weeks. Found some dope breakup music.. started reading a few books.. rediscovered the gym.. but the pain is still there. I wonder if a part of me will always feel it. I hope not. I forgave that girl on day 2 or 3, but I'm not sure if I've forgiven myself yet..

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i reached out to the orignal SWSNBN
Tuesday. 3.3.15 6:05 pm
i reached out to she who shall not be named today.. the original, not the remixed version who dumped me sixteen days ago. anyway, i told her that maybe the problem was me.. maybe i'm just drawn toward women who are a little broken or in a lot of pain..

her reply:

"I could have told u that u seek out the fucked up ones. In fact I'm pretty sure I've already said that .... U seek out vulnerable women and want to help / fix / save them with love, but that's not how it works pal."

well, shit.

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Monday. 3.2.15 7:16 pm
i'm so scared that i wont ever speak to her again. i know im strong enough to get over a breakup and im strong enough to go on about my life but i'm so scared that she wont be a part of it. not even in a small way. she told me, the last thing she emailed me, she said not to let anyone or anything stand in my way. i think she was referring to her leaving me.

i dont want to let go. why is she making me let go?? why are you pushing me away antonia please dont push me away antonia


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