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life is good
Tuesday. 3.3.15 7:11 pm
i'm trying to find my resolve. i'm still obviously bummed that my girl left me. i find myself gazing off into the distance throughout my days, thinking of eating ice cream in brooklyn or holding her hand in portugal. i hate both of those places now, btw.

anyway, i'm okay. life is good. as heartbroken as i am right now, i know that this is all God's plan. I'd like to hold onto hope that she'll talk to me again one day, but I really don't know. A part of me is pissed because I wasn't the one who cheated, and I wasn't the one who called us off, but I'm the one who gets punished by her refusing to speak with me or be my friend. It really isn't fair... maybe talking to me is painful for her, but I'm not really sure why since I ain't do shit..

If I could go back in time, back to when she first came through to London and I met her at a starbucks by my office, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I met her. I'm glad she came. I'm glad she kissed me, I'm glad I kissed her back. I'm glad that for a brief period of time, she was the last thing I saw at night and the first thing I saw in the morning. I'm glad I loved her.

Not too keen on losing her, though.. but I suppose that's just the game of love.

I'm following all the cliches men have for moving on. I'm at the gym, sometimes twice a day, and I'm throwing myself into my work. I'm dating other women - had a great one last week with a girl who is absolutely perfect for me in everyway but timing, and I've got one on Friday with a girl who I asked out because I really want to just get my mind off of Antonia. I've reached out to a few friends to hang out, too.. had dinner with a group of pals today, and I'm seeing a few more on Thursday and Saturday..

I'm also reaching out to old friends and flames. I told C about the shit Q said to me.. about how my relationship with her and Antonia were really, reallly similar, and how my breakup with C mirrored my breakup with A.. he said that the issue was me and the fact that I'm drawn toward women who are a little, or a lot, broken inside.

I think he's right. I think back to some of our last conversations and I hear myself telling her that all I want to do is love her if she'd let me.. and that she is good enough for me and that she shouldn't doubt us.. and all sorts of shit...

C agreed with Q. She said that I look for girls who are in pain or are broken and try to fix them with love but that it doesn't really work that way...

but oh well.

I've learned a lot the last two weeks. Found some dope breakup music.. started reading a few books.. rediscovered the gym.. but the pain is still there. I wonder if a part of me will always feel it. I hope not. I forgave that girl on day 2 or 3, but I'm not sure if I've forgiven myself yet..


Woah, wait did you go on a date with someone in LA? How do you even DO that? You should have lined up some dates for me before you left, pal, share the wealth.
» Zanzibar on 2015-03-03 11:27:50

You sound kind of like how I was a few months back, with my last break up. I'm not the one who called it off, but I was more upset that I wouldn't be able to talk to him again than I was about anything else.
Now, though, we're rebuilding up a friendship and we're able to talk on a regular basis. So I'm sending you good juju, in hopes that things work out in a way that you can be okay with. =)
» LostSoul13 on 2015-03-03 11:43:46

In a way I think she's punishing herself through what she's done here. While you're suffering from her silence, she's put herself back into a situation that is likely to cause her more pain in the future...
» randomjunk on 2015-03-03 11:46:50

I don't know if I already answered you but I'll be in Paris the entire month of June.
» middaymoon on 2015-03-07 02:36:15

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