` “You’re an asshole,” she says to me with an exaggerated sigh. She took a step backwards as she spoke to me, having unwrapped her arms from around my waist. I didn’t hug her back.

“Thanks for picking me up. How far is the bus stop?”

“It’s just down the block from here. C’mon, lets go grab food first.”
Her demeanor was completely different in person than it had been days earlier on the phone. Since I told her I was leaving my job – perhaps a little bit before that even – Caitlin had been treating me with contempt. She was curt with me – behaving as though talking to me was some big chore, as though I was taking her away from her real life.


To be fair to her, she was going through some shit on her own. She recently left her son for the first time to move to a large city for school. It was her first time away from him for any long period of time and I reckon she was struggling to deal with that decision. She still saw him multiple times during the week, but it was the first time she had lived without him. Add that to the fact that she was actually moving across the state… I don’t know.

“You act as though you’ve got all these new things happening in your life right now,” I said to her about a week or so earlier. “I guess I’m just trying to figure out where I fit in.”

“You don’t.”

And that was when she went on to tell me she didn’t know was I was expecting when I came to Virginia – as though I did not explicitly tell her that I was coming for her. As if we hadn’t had multiple conversations leading up to my move discussing our future together. As though she didn’t tell me, just weeks earlier, that she was scared to see me because she knew she would end up caring for me on a romantic level again.. Our first night together she confessed to feeling as though I was the only one for her. When I confronted her that day before I got on my bus and began my journey, she told me I just confused her words.


“My mom won’t talk to me. She thinks I’m making a mistake leaving…” We’re sitting outside of a faux French café in downtown Richmond. She’s sipping on some bougie coffee thing in one of those oversized cups. I was a bit too anxious to drink anything myself, so I sat completely still beside her as she contemplated my words.

“I do too. I mean honestly, it’s a stupid decision. People compromise their faith and their principles all the time. What makes you any different?”
I took the napkin her cup of coffee came with and began fidgeting with it. “I.. I suppose I don’t want to be like everyone else. The people I look up to – the ones I aspire to be like, they didn’t compromise on things that they felt strongly about. I mean, that’s why I looked up to them -- they believed in shit and fought for things.”

“The real world doesn’t work like that, Jonathan. You’re not livin gin the real world. People like me – I could never do something like you did because I care about money and I need to provide for myself and Viktor. Vil? He can’t do that either – he’s got a family to look after. You’ve got this luxury, I guess, but real people don’t make that decision.”

“Even if I were you, or Vil, or any other motherfucker out there, I’d like to think I’d have the integrity to do the right thing even when the decision is a tough one.. I.. I don’t know. I thought you would support me on this.. I mean, I thought you loved me.”


“Do you really want to have this conversation here?” Caitlin says to me without glancing up from her coffee.

“Yeah. I want you to tell me – explicitly, put it all out there, tell me you don’t love me. I need this.”

“I don’t love you, Jonathan. At least not that way. I thought I did.. but I don’t. I’m sorry.”

And that was when lightning struck, a voiceover from above yelled “IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!,” and I transformed from a beautifully stoic man to a 6’3, 250 lbs blubbering man crying beside a tiny girl.

Somehow she got me up and out of the coffeeshop and to the bus station. The whole walk there I followed behind her by a few paces, not wanting to see her face. We got in her car, drove to the stop, and got out.

We walked together to the corner in silence, her eyeing me. When we got to the stop, she just sort of stood there, one arm draped across her stomach, the other to her side watching me. She took a step forward, as if to go for a hug, then thought the better of it and retreated. Sensing her about to leave me, I lunged forward and wrapped her in my arms as tight as I could. She used to tell me, back in the day, that she loved the way I could wrap my gumby-long arms around her frame and engulf her when we embraced. Granted, later on she cited this style of hugging as one of the many reasons she no longer loved me.

I clung to her for a good minute or two before taking a step back with my head down, not wanting to see her. I heard her turn around, say “goodbye, pal,” get into her car and drive off. When I was sure she was gone, I fell to my ass on the concrete and wept until the megabus arrived.

=( I hope things get better for you. I'm glad we're here for you to confide in. Even if it's not the same as in person, it's something. =/
» LostSoul13 on 2013-02-02 08:55:42

This was painful to read.
» randomjunk on 2013-02-02 09:16:21

^^^
I don't remember ever seeing you get this open. I'm sorry to see this happen to you pal.
» middaymoon on 2013-02-02 09:27:32

Oh, and yeah I mostly agree about the book. Though I did enjoy a few of his characters.
» middaymoon on 2013-02-02 09:29:50

Who is anyone telling you that whatever you are doing is "not what people do?" Why can't you live that way? You don't have commitments, you are making ends meet, you're not taking money from anyone, so why not? Why not change jobs but remain in the same field? I would do that if it was that easy for me. Heck, I would hitchhike all over the world if I could work that way! Unfortunately my industry does not work that way and I am still finding a way get a job within my qualifications that would send me working all over the world.

I am facing something of your sort on my end too, not with jobs but things I do everyday and I would need to go to war very soon. Nonetheless, good luck with your new job!
» Nuttz on 2013-02-03 09:44:54

I cried reading this. is that weird? I hope you're doing ok, even though you might not be. And thank you, i hope i am wife material. And yes you can ride my nimbus cloud anyday. That sounds weird. Don't care.
» dont-see on 2013-02-03 09:50:11

Stop mekkin me cry di-di. stoppit.
» Zanzibar on 2013-02-03 10:32:28

Actually, depending on where you are (I feel like you move around a lot), there might be a sister church nearby. I could hook you up if you're interested.
» middaymoon on 2013-02-03 05:24:29

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING 28?????
» Zanzibar on 2013-02-03 05:27:44

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